Taking care of, loving, and serving my husband was my absolute favorite job. But I’m getting fired.
While most girls were dreaming of what their wedding would be like, I was dreaming about what my marriage would be like. Ways that I could love my husband, serve my husband, and encourage him.
I’ve always struggled with self-esteem, so I never truly believed someone would ever love me the way I desired to love my husband. I remember praying to God saying, “God, please allow me to have someone to love and take care of. They don’t even have to love me as much as I love them because I understand that they probably won’t. But please let them love me just enough to stay.”
I look back at that prayer to God and it breaks my heart to remember how much I struggled with accepting that someone could love me. I never felt like I was good enough for someone else’s love.
I wonder if I thought that if I could give to someone else the type of love that I desired, then maybe things would finally feel okay inside of me.
It was always my biggest fear that my husband wouldn’t stay. So I unintentionally envisioned it happening to me over and over. And I always tried to distract my mind by the horror of that thought and would tell myself, “I can’t even think of that because if that ever actually happened to me, I don’t think I’d survive it.”
I had always felt so unworthy of love, not worth sticking around for, and that what I offer isn’t good enough for any man. But I had convinced myself that if I could create myself to be a perfect wife, read all the books to be better, take care of his every need, and obsessively work to become who he wanted me to be, then maybe he would love me for what I do for him.
But at the end of the day, that didn’t work. My husband didn’t want a wife who stripped away versions of herself to create a “perfect” version. Who would? But I couldn’t be myself. Because I had too many fears that as soon as I was, then he wouldn’t want me anymore.
But even me presenting the best version of myself that I could create wasn’t good enough for him to stay. So I told myself that it was always true; I was never going to be enough for any man to love me.
We tend to crave from others what we fear we won’t receive from God. Deep down I think I’ve always feared that God will one day decide I’m no longer good enough for Him. That He’ll look down on me and say, “Shannon, I know you’ve tried and you did all the things I asked you to do to have a relationship with me, but I just don’t want you. You’re not good enough.”
I know that’s not truth. His Word proves that He won’t do that.
- “It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” -Deuteronomy 31:8 ESV
- As you come to Him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to Him— –1 Peter 2:4 NIV
- Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. –Isaiah 54:10 NIV
- But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. –Romans 5:8 NIV
But our fears come from the Enemy. So they don’t have to be rational or realistic, they just have to be believable.
That’s the message the Enemy wanted me to receive when my husband walked away. That I was never going to be good enough for anyone. If my own husband didn’t want me, then why would God? He wanted to hit me in my most vulnerable spot and discourage me. This is where he could harden my heart and make me bitter towards God, humans, and the world. And it worked. For a moment.
Then God intervened.
When I type these words and say that God truly rescued me from myself and the Enemy, I say this with tears in my eyes and a feeling inside my soul that I can’t quite explain.
In my darkest, lowest moment, He held me. And as I leaned in close to God, He gave me a different message than the one I had been telling myself for years. He showed me what love truly was and the value that I hold. Because my value isn’t measured by how man treats me, but rather what God thinks of me.
I’m able to bring my flawed human self to the feet of God. And while I’m not worthy of His love, He gives it to me anyway. I don’t have to earn His love. I don’t have to morph into a tidy version of myself in order for Him to love me. He just already does.
Your “perfect” version of yourself may not be worthy for people. But I assure you that your imperfect self is enough for God. You can give out as much love as you possibly can to other people, but that won’t prevent them from hurting you.
But there is a God out there who will always love you enough to stay.
We crave for relationships here on earth. But God craves for a relationship with you. And sadly, sometimes it takes facing what we thought we wouldn’t survive for us to draw into Him the way we should. It brings us to our knees, realizing that we need Him more than anything else in this world.
Unfortunately, it took me losing my husband to discover that the love I so strongly desired to give to a husband should’ve been a love that I so strongly desired to give to God.
He is there for you no matter what you’re facing. And while some days you may feel like you’re not good enough, remember that God’s love is not conditional. He loves every broken piece of you and wants you to bring your insecurities and wounds to Him.
If you don’t have a relationship with Him, I invite you to. You won’t regret it.
He gave up His own Son because knowing that due to our sin we wouldn’t be able to make it to heaven. The Bible says that “For the wages of sin is death…” (Romans 6:23). Death means permanent separation from God. God can’t have sin in Heaven. He wants a perfect place for His children where there is no more pain or suffering. So in order to exist there, we have to be cleansed of sin.
He still loves us despite our sin so much that He wanted to create a way for us to have an eternal relationship with Him. So He sent His own Son to be the needed sacrifice for us. “…but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:23) And all we have to do to receive that gift is to admit that Jesus is the Son of God who came down to save us from our sins, repent of our sin, and ask for forgiveness. This invites the Holy Spirit to come into your soul and reserves a spot for you in heaven with a God who so desperately wants you to be in the seat He is saving for you up there.
If there’s ever one piece of advice you receive from any of my writing, I hope it’s this.
Please, friend. Establish a relationship with God. He wants you. He wants to comfort you. He wants to remind you that no matter what the world tells you about who you are, you are His child and He loves you. He wants to replace your insecurities and fears with truth and goodness.
I can’t even express how important my relationship with God is for my life. It’s why I’m here, writing all of this. God fought for me when I didn’t want to fight for myself.
And I have to share it.
Because I would love for you to experience what I’ve been able to.
Even though I’ve walked through some of my darkest years these past few years, I wouldn’t ever want to exchange the growth I’ve been able to receive from God.
Things are still hard. Some days I still feel like I’m about to drown in my own sorrow. But each day God walks me through it.
And not only did I survive what I thought I never could, but I actually walked away stronger, more confident, and I discovered a love from a God who will never leave me.
