This was truly my biggest fear.
Growing up I had felt rejected by a lot of the people around me and often felt like I would come up short just a bit to fitting in. I never felt like I quite fit in with friends and always felt like the black sheep in my family. I’m the youngest of five with two sisters and two brothers. My sisters are the oldest ones and are ten and seven years older than me. I was that annoying little sister that my sisters thought was too little to play with and my brothers didn’t usually want to play with me because I was a girl. Which you can’t blame them. I’m sure I would’ve been the same way if roles were reversed. But many of my childhood memories are of me trying to figure out how to play board games by myself. Battleship and Guess Who were the most challenging, but don’t worry, I still made many attempts.
I prayed for years that God would give me someone who would make me feel like I didn’t come up short. Someone who would love me for me and make me feel like I finally belonged somewhere. But I also felt very unworthy to receive that.
I felt like no one could ever possibly love me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me.
It was my biggest insecurity and I think the Enemy knew that. So it didn’t take much for the negative thoughts to start consuming my mind when what I feared most in my life, that I was only an insignificant throw-away person, looked like such truth when I looked at the evidence in my life.
I’ve done so much reflection on pain and suffering and have seen so many people around me struggle with their own deep pain.
What I’ve noticed is the Enemy seems to take pleasure in giving us our biggest fear and he does that by attacking the thing we desire most in life.
To the woman who desires to be a mother, he takes away her children or ability to have children.
To the woman who values the bond of her family, he brings in strife and separation.
To the woman who desires to be married, he makes her lonely or creates division.
To the woman who wants trustworthy friends, he brings gossip and insecurity.
To the woman who wants to be successful, he will take away her confidence.
To the woman who most desires to feel loved, he will make her feel worthless and offer her empty, lustful opportunities.
To the woman who wants health and comfort, he makes sick.
I learned quickly not to compare my pain to other’s pain. The Enemy would love to make me feel like my situation is so much worse than those around me and that no one understands. That’s a sneaky way that he will try to get us to isolate ourselves and consume ourselves in our pain. If he can convince us that no one understands, then he can convince us to not reach out to others while we process our pain.
The Enemy wants to be our biggest influence during this time.
But the truth is, no matter what deep pain we’re dealing with, people do understand. There are so many people in this world that have walked through so much darkness. I felt so connected with those people around me that had walked through their own season of grief. It didn’t have to be the same story as mine or even the same situation, but they understood the grief, rejection, loneliness, anger, and confusion.
We all have different desires and struggles and maybe the person sitting next to you hasn’t walked the same journey as you, but you haven’t walked theirs either. The Enemy attacks our weakest points and everyone’s strengths and weaknesses are different. So, please don’t listen to the lie that people don’t understand your pain and don’t let the enemy isolate you.
“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” – Peter 5:8 ESV
The Enemy is crafty and only comes to steal. And he will steal until you feel like you have nothing left to give. If he can leave you feeling empty, broken, insecure, and hopeless, he can prevent you from doing what God desires of you. He wants you in a vulnerable place.
In a place where he can influence, lie, and persuade you.
So it only makes sense that he would go after your biggest desires and dreams. He wants to break you so hard that you feel like you can’t move on, you don’t have hope, you’re worthless, and you can’t trust God. The Enemy’s purpose is to leave you wondering how a God who is supposed to be good would allow us to experience such pain and suffering. But the truth is, God hates this for you more than you do. I believe He’s feeling your pain and matching you tear for tear.
My biggest confusion was why did it have to be the thing I desired most that had to be stripped away from me? Couldn’t it have been anything else? Why did God even give me this desire to be a wife so strongly? Why allow me to put so much hope in being a wife and prepare and work so hard to be a good wife, only to fail so miserably despite giving my best effort? I understood the thought that maybe God had to break me in order to change me and get me to where He wanted me to be. But why break me so hard? Why hit me in my weakest point?
What do you do when your deepest desire for your life gets stripped away from you? When your biggest fear becomes your reality?
It’s something I’m still processing and struggling with. It’s so hard. When life is not how you ever pictured it and you had worked so hard your whole life to set yourself up so you wouldn’t ever be in this situation, it just feels so unfair. You want a life do over.
But I search for the blessings inside the problems. They’re there. And sometimes it’s hard to see them when the problem is so much bolder in your life than the blessings. But God still cares and He still will find ways to bless you if you stay faithful.
I cling to the hope that God restores. My life may not be where I thought it would be and circumstances certainly make life more challenging. But I firmly believe God can bring good out of this and restore my life in some ways. It might not be how I would do it and it might not look the way I hope, but I know my God is good and He wants good for me.
He wants good for you too. God restores in time. Waiting is so hard, but in the waiting and challenges, there is growth.
