Thank you for sharing!

I slowly walked down the sidewalk that led to my lawyer’s office. I pushed away the wrinkles in my dress and nervously straightened out my new blazer jacket as I tried to figure out how to walk in my shoes without them falling off. Every item of clothing on me was new and I shifted awkwardly as I tried to figure out how they could fit comfortably on me. I had spent the previous weeks stressing about and dreading this day, looking at every article of clothing I owned and deeming them unworthy for the occasion.

I didn’t want to participate in what I was about to walk in to. But unfortunately it was something that was required of me as another stepping block towards the divorce.

My prayers leading up to this day were mostly, “God, please don’t make me do this. Please stop this. Please don’t let it get this far.” But as I swung open the door to the office, I was reminded that God yet again didn’t respond in the way I had hoped. I was now about to face another thing I had been dreading.

Where was God? Why had He abandoned me? Why didn’t He come through?

I’m typically a very anxious person. And if you throw me into any new location with people I don’t know and add on a meeting where I have no clue what to expect or how to be prepared, you can assure I’m going to be a nervous wreck, unable to eat and make basic decisions all day. Fully expecting to not handle this day well, I asked two of my people to come with me for support and to drive me home.

But as I walked through the door, something strange happened. My nerves were gone. In fact, they hadn’t been there all day like I had expected them to be.

I sat through the entire meeting feeling nothing but what I could only explain as peace. Not because the meeting was peaceful or things were getting resolved the way I wanted them to. But, peace. That’s the only way I can describe the lack of chaotic emotions that should’ve been filling my body and making my stomach sick and my palms sweaty. But all those emotions failed to make any appearance. Why?

This is the exact opposite response that I suspected my body to have. And my body is fairly consistent and predictable. Why would the thing that should have me feeling the most nervous all of the sudden feel like I have no emotional attachment to it?

During a brief break in the meeting, I sat in a room by myself and sifted through all these questions. And just like as if someone softly took my hand and gave me a sweet message, this thought made its way to me:

God never actually abandoned me. He was there all along. He just didn’t show up the way I thought He would. But He blessed me with an unexplainable peace.

 

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

He didn’t come through the way I hoped or had asked Him to, but that doesn’t mean He wasn’t there. I don’t know all the details as to why He didn’t fix what I asked Him to fix. I know I have a God who could reach down and has the power to heal anything. And sometimes it can feel like He has abandoned us when He doesn’t do it.

Honestly, looking at this situation though, I think God has a hard time not giving me what I’m asking for. I know He knows more of this story than I know, and I have to trust that He is protecting me and that in His time will make a move.

But knowing that He wasn’t going to give me exactly what I had asked for in that moment, I believe He still wanted to be with me and help me feel loved. So He sent His peace with me to comfort me in my most troubled time.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27

How sweet is it that the God of the universe cares so much about our troubled hearts that He would take the time to deliver peace when we’re hurting?

He cares for His children so much. He understands your pain.

 

Remember, Jesus walked this earth in human form. That means He felt human pain and human emotions. He understands each one so deeply. We can see this so clearly in the story of Lazarus. We can read about Lazarus in John 11 and how Jesus raised him from the dead after four days.

When Jesus arrived and saw everyone weeping over the death over Lazarus, the Bible says that His spirit was deeply troubled.

Jesus wept. John 11:35

Why did Jesus weep? And why was it so significant that those two little words deserved an entire verse just for them?

Jesus knew He was going to bring Lazarus back to life. He knew Lazarus was going to die. Jesus knew all these things. So why did He weep?

I firmly believe that Jesus wept not for Lazarus, but for those around who loved Lazarus and were mourning him. He felt their pain and because He loved them so deeply, He cried for them. And those two words are so significant because it is a reminder of how much Jesus cares for us and our pain.

We were never meant to experience all this pain. But because sin is in this world, we have to walk through some heavy burdens.

But God cares so much about every pain we walk through. I believe He cries when you cry. He’s in pain when you’re in pain. He hurts when you hurt. He’s not blind to what you’re going through and He’s not absent. He is there, crying and holding you.

He doesn’t always deliver things to us the way we want, but we have to trust that it’s for our greater good. He has our best interest at heart. And when He can’t change your situation just yet, He will deliver His good, unexplainable peace to still be with you.

That peace. It has come through so many times when I needed it.

 

I have watched God move through my situation and I see how much He cares for me just by how He controls the amount of pain I receive. Knowing that I couldn’t have handled everything all at once, He shows me things a little at a time. It’s like a new form of pain shows up that I have to process through. I work through it and then He delivers His peace. He knows I have to work my way through it and only gives me chunks of pain to process through at a time, then comes in to comfort me, heal me, give me a break and then walks me through the next form of pain.

Healing is messy, but God is there through it all. You may have to search for Him, but He is always there and in ways you may not expect Him. He loves His children. He loves you. More than you can imagine. I firmly believe He weeps for you, sweet friend. He weeps for your hurting heart. He weeps for you when you can’t see Him or when you walk away from Him. He weeps because He loves.

When the meeting finished up, I walked back out to the car where two of my sisters were patiently waiting for me with my son. I gave Bennett a huge hug and explained to them the peace I had experienced. And what I had worried would be one of the most challenging days of my life, ended up being a sweet day with my sisters where we laughed, swapped stories, and talked about how amazing our God is to show up in ways we don’t expect.

 

 

Thank you for sharing!